missing u...Cancer #5

I miss Zeke. I miss his hands on mine. I miss being the outer spoon and I miss the spot in between his shoulder and his chest where I rest my head. I miss the place where his arm creases when he hugs me. His laugh, his smart ass remarks, and his stinky cigars, all of this I’d love to have right now. I miss putting my cold feet on him at night. I miss doing nothing with him. I miss Zeke and ReRe days. I miss us in our hammock, on our couch, at work, and in our bed. I miss his beautiful eyes. I miss his kisses. I miss him next to me. I miss waiting for him to get off of work. I miss him falling asleep three minutes into a movie. I miss his FACE and all of our silliness. I miss him. I don’t know how I’m going to do this.

No home sweet home..Cancer #4

So I don’t think he’s coming home Tuesday, Which was the plan. He’s still unable to lay down flat. I haven’t been able to catch the doctor to ask him what he thinks of all this. I know they had hoped the radiation would have shrunk the tumor enough by now so that he could. Then they’d take the mold, do the PET scan and send him home. He said he still can’t breathe well enough. I want to know if this treatment is working or not! He’s not getting lightheaded anymore, which would indicate that it is working but…I donno, I keep analyzing everything. One minute I’m convinced it’s doing wonders, the next it’s not doing a thing. The tech said they are going to shoot for Thursday.

Today felt pretty stagnant. The air in his room was pretty gloomy and melancholy. I think the hospital is wearing on him. It’s been a week now. Everyone is excessively eager to make him feel comfortable, and content, which after a while would get on my nerves to. Family and friends are also fawning all over him. We’re all so worried about him feeling lonely or needing us that we have forgotten he needs his own space. I personally feel like I should be next to him at all times, I feel guilty when I’m not. I shouldn’t be laughing while all of this is going on. And besides all of that he’s not getting any rest, nurses, techs, doctors, cleaning people, food people, etc…knocking at least every two hours. Every time he closes his eyes, someone knocks. Every time he takes a bite of food, someone needs blood. He had a pretty crappy attitude today. Everything bothered him. He had something negative to say about just about everyone. He said they all treat him like a five year old. He said, “I know they are just doing their job, but if one more person covers me up, pats my hand or hovers over me, I’m gonna loose it." All he did today was complain. I stayed for a few hours then left him alone. I hope he’s better tomorrow. Well I’m REALLY tired, so I’m gonna get to sleep.

The now...Cancer saga #3

O-kay so heres whats going on now. We found out a few days ago that the tumor is malignant. It was strange to hear, but oddly enough, I didn't feel as devastated as I thought I would. I think it was because the doctor didn't use the word. He launched right into the treatment needed as a result of the biopsy. He didn't drop a bomb and then pause dramatically like in the movies. I thought that was how these things went. I don't feel like this is real anyway. When he was finished giving his spheel, I had to ask in plain english. "Is this bad or can it be cured?" He said don't say "cure." He said that if it went untreated he'd have about 30 days. With treatment it depends completly on the person and how they react to it. So this is all up in the air. He said treatment is weighed on how he reacts in comparison to how much it helps. If the tumor isn't shrinking and he's sick, they will decide if it's worth continuing. Wow. I feel pretty detached from myself. My dad looks great, aside from the tubes and sexy hospital gown. His spirits are good, he's grumpy at night, silly during the day and trying to take care of business when he has a minute. The magnitude of this situation is hard to absorb. It comes in waves, though. For the most part this is all a mistake, Gods, or the doctors, I don't know which. But wrong non the less. I keep thinking, tomarrow it'll be gone. Other times, usually when I'm alone and not occupied, my insides hurt, my face gets hot and I feel dizzy. I can't control the thoughts that flood in. Life without him? This world without him in it? Unmanageable, unbearable and unreal. As for now, dealing with family that decide to pop back into our lives and everyone being on top of each other is more to take then the situation we're all here for. Or maybe that's what my mind is focusing on, to spare me from a truth that would rip my whole existence apart.

Update..Cancer sage #2

Well I'm in Colorado. I left the following morning. It feels good to be by his side. And I mean literally by his side. Most of you know he has a prosthetic left arm, so I pulled a chair right up to the right side of his bed to hold his hand, and haven't left (but to sleep) since. I'm in everyone's way, and I don't care. I'll move for you to do what you need to do, but just know that I'll be back in this spot everything you come into this room. Anyway, It was an emotional reunion to say the least! My daddy, geeze I can't explain how I love him. And he needed me here as much as I needed to be here. We've always been close. Ever since I was a little girl I've idolized him and followed him like a devoted puppy. Eveyone who has ever been around us knows it. Some don't like it, some admire it. I am truly a daddies girl I really don't really have much to give right now, I just wanted to update this blog.
My dad wanted a little alone time, and while walking around aimlessly, I stumbled onto this internet cafe/waiting room so I thought I'd write a little.
He's been in the hospital since Friday. They found 4 tumors. One is about the size of a baseball, and is located behind his collar bone, this is the one they are most worried about. The others are near his arm pit, they've done a biopsy in that area and didn't find anything. Basically, they are fatty lumps. Which is good. The one behind his collar bone is still a big issue. It's obstructing his airway and two main arteries from his heart to his brain. His breathing is labored, his voice is gone and he's dizzy.His spirits are good though. Due to problems with his blood being to thin they haven't been able to do a biopsy on that one, until today. We'll get the results tomorrow. As for me, I'm putting on a strong face. Asking questions, getting water, food, etc... Consoling and calming step mom, trying to get brother to eat. Although he's for sure holding his own and then some. I'm a wreck inside. Tomorrow is the big day. I'm scared shitless mostly, but optimists seeps in and leaves a warm refreshing feeling. This waiting is horrible, and I feel so utterly alone. I miss my Zeke. I just need a hug, to have him here when I want to bitch or cry. My emotions are a little crazy. I called some lady a cu#* today...for crossing the street. My patience is short to say the least. So far most of my remarks die before they come out of my mouth. This all feels so sureal.

I'm not doing very well...Cancer sage #1

My Dad has been having some health issues. I find this out two days ago. He’s been passing out, he’s weak, he sleeps about 20 hours, getting up only to eat, and his face has been bloating. A side affect of Advil, he thought, so he quit taking it. The bloating subsided for a few days then came back. My Dad has worked HARD all his life, it’s time he slows down but, he’s never been in bad shape, physically. Until recently.
I caught him at work for the 1st time in a week. He said he was waiting on a call from his doctor. They ran a few tests and he should hear from them with-in the hour. That was Friday. Today is Monday. I’ve been calling. I finally got my brother on the phone today, as they are taking my dad to the ER. This morning he had some tests done at his doctor, they found something, possibly a tumor, below his color bone. He was told to go to the ER right away for more tests. That all they know. He’ll call back when they find something out. What the fuck! I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. All the life knocked right out of me. I feel deflated and small.
He called me back about an hour ago. Could be cancer. They can’t see a correlation between the other symptoms and this lump, so that’s something else. He’s getting a cat scan and it’ll take about 2 hours…he’ll call me back. I asked how he was, emotionally. He said ‘Scared.” My heart is breaking. My Dad is 800 miles away. Scared! This is eating me up. I feel like I can’t breathe. I don’t know what to do or who to call, or if I want to talk to anyone…but him. I called Zeke. I didn’t say much. He said he wishes he could come home, “I do to” I told him. I’m scared. I worked out; it helped for about 45 minutes, until I broke down. I can’t sit; I can’t stop following this through to an awful end. I NEED to be there. GOD DAMN IT. I don’t want to do this. My body is tense and I can’t think straight. I’m not ready for this shit. I’m NOT READY!
I know…Don’t prepare for the worst, wait and see what they say. EASIER said then done. I’m trying to stay out of my head. I can see his eyes. I can feel his hand on mine. When has something that starts out like this EVER turned out fucking peachy? In my experience, I can’t think of any. And even if it does, it doesn’t help the here and now. What he must be going through right now. I keep picturing his face in my head, alone in that MRI, surrounded by blindingly white walls, cold stainless steel tables, and cruel insensitive lights . Scared. My daddy! I don’t know what to do. I wish I was there. My insides hurt, my head hurts, and my face is hot and wet. I miss my daddy. I can’t stop fucking whimpering. I’m a wreck. I find it extreamly hard to talk to people when I feel this way, it's like the words wont come out. So I write.

My brother just called. It's bad. It's cancer. I'm not ready. I talked to my dad for a minute. He doesn't want to leave us. My fucking heart hurts.

I've decided, since I'm too lazy to actually write something, I'm going to post some pictures. One of my favorite past times is driving aimlessly around St. Louis taking pictures. Or (lately) finding a place that captures my interest and walking around doing the same.

Divergent...

What really is faith?

drifting