Dum Dum Da Dum...through an addicts eyes
Well I'm getting married. I'm floored by this realization.
Do you remember the angry girl in school who beat the boys up? Smoked pot behind the gym? Cussed the teacher out? Cut class to drink down by the tracks? That was me.
I am not proud.
I became a drug addict at ...well an active addict at around age 16. Started practicing at 12. I can remember saying to friends "I want to try every drug there is, they feel beautiful". I realized I felt uneasy without them. They were my only true friend. I felt out of place everywhere I went, whoever I was with. It was only while high I felt comfortable. I didn't like anyone, especially myself. I never let go of the tower of steel I had created to protect myself from everyone. I was always in search of that one soul who could see me, through all the bullshit. I wanted to connect with someone so badly. I needed a friend, anything, and just when I thought I had found someone I'd mess it up, inside I knew it was just wishfull thinking. Friends, boyfriends, family...all the same.
When I met the man I'm about to marry, I had resigned to be alone. I was o.k. with it, looking forward to it (so I told myself) I did not want to care about anyone. I wanted to do dope. He did dope, so I hung around. For years we slowly killed ourselves. One day, without getting into detail (maybe I will another day) I woke up and realized that we were garbage. I was afraid of my own reflection, I hated looking into my eyes. I would cross the street if I seen me coming, and I honestly didn't care.
We decided to get clean....at first it was not so much our decision ..but again, another day. I was SCARED to death. For at least a year I tried to figure out who the girl in the mirror was. Now, some days are still rough. I still sometimes want to get high, to escape. I refrain to maintain the quality of life I have now. The fabulous guy who scratched the surface of my soul I now allow in to cuddle whenever he has the notion. I'm at home and comfortable when he is near. He is who I had been looking for. That, my friend is a miracle, well that and the fact that I am alive, cause seriously I didn't want to be in this world. Now I own this world (well mine anyway) and I decorate it with pretty pretty princess ribbons. I am getting married and I am not scared anymore.
Do you remember the angry girl in school who beat the boys up? Smoked pot behind the gym? Cussed the teacher out? Cut class to drink down by the tracks? That was me.
I am not proud.
I became a drug addict at ...well an active addict at around age 16. Started practicing at 12. I can remember saying to friends "I want to try every drug there is, they feel beautiful". I realized I felt uneasy without them. They were my only true friend. I felt out of place everywhere I went, whoever I was with. It was only while high I felt comfortable. I didn't like anyone, especially myself. I never let go of the tower of steel I had created to protect myself from everyone. I was always in search of that one soul who could see me, through all the bullshit. I wanted to connect with someone so badly. I needed a friend, anything, and just when I thought I had found someone I'd mess it up, inside I knew it was just wishfull thinking. Friends, boyfriends, family...all the same.
When I met the man I'm about to marry, I had resigned to be alone. I was o.k. with it, looking forward to it (so I told myself) I did not want to care about anyone. I wanted to do dope. He did dope, so I hung around. For years we slowly killed ourselves. One day, without getting into detail (maybe I will another day) I woke up and realized that we were garbage. I was afraid of my own reflection, I hated looking into my eyes. I would cross the street if I seen me coming, and I honestly didn't care.
We decided to get clean....at first it was not so much our decision ..but again, another day. I was SCARED to death. For at least a year I tried to figure out who the girl in the mirror was. Now, some days are still rough. I still sometimes want to get high, to escape. I refrain to maintain the quality of life I have now. The fabulous guy who scratched the surface of my soul I now allow in to cuddle whenever he has the notion. I'm at home and comfortable when he is near. He is who I had been looking for. That, my friend is a miracle, well that and the fact that I am alive, cause seriously I didn't want to be in this world. Now I own this world (well mine anyway) and I decorate it with pretty pretty princess ribbons. I am getting married and I am not scared anymore.
posted by elanflux at 8:28 PM
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