crazy but amusing...Cancer #11

Dad has been acting strangely since he came home from the hospital. I’m not sure if it’s the medication or the tumor. Delirious is a better description. He’s been having conversations with himself...it’s hard to explain. It used to be isolated to his restless nights or day time naps. He’d toss and turn, mumble something, and occasionally he’d spit out a complete sentence. Lately though he’s taken to weird out bursts while he’s presumably awake. For example; the other day, at about 9am, while on our way to treatment, he did it. He’d been up for about an hour, had breakfast, coffee, etc… He’s tired but not asleep. Sitting in the passenger seat after about ten minutes he suddenly blurts out, “Well, I thought that’s what he said, and why wouldn’t he?” A little startled but, unfazed I wait for more. . This isn’t the first time he’s done this, lately I’ve begun trying to engage him in more conversation...and why not, it’s harmless fun! So I softly ask, “What?”, and cringe slightly expecting him to say “What, what?” and spoil the fun for me. When he first started doing this I was at a loss for what to do. Should I call him on it, wake him up, or just sit and act like it was nothing? Well my bewilderment passed and, I’m curious… plus it is a little amusing in a twisted sort of way. Anyway this time, seemingly surprised by what just came out of his mouth, he glances over at me and matter-of-factly says, “We weren’t just taking were we?” Clearly he thought we were. I told him no, and decided to ask a few questions. “Who were you talking to?”, “I don’t know, it was just a piece of a conversation before I came to.” “So, you were sleeping?” “Sort of, it feels weird. One minute I’m talking to someone and then next thing I know I’m waking myself. Until recently, I wasn’t sure if I was imagining it or if I were actually speaking out loud”. I believe it’s the medication and the fact that he hasn’t gotten into REM sleep in a long while. A body needs that you know. I shouldn’t make fun though; it is pretty unnerving for him sometimes. He seems to be aware of it for the most part, and it only happens when he’s tired or fresh out of sleep. I’m not really worried; we’ll just talk to the doctor about it. It is strange though and can be a little embarrassing. In his first day of chemo he fell asleep quickly and began talking and ‘eating’, grasping at imaginary food. Every once and a while he’d catch himself, wake up all groggy eyed and look around the room to see if any one was looking. Yea, lucky for me, a room full of strangers with not much else to do but watch the crazy bearded guy try to eat the pillow in his lap and converse with himself! At least he’s light hearted about the whole thing; he gave me permission to wake him if he starts to make a fool of himself. Thing is, it only takes a second for him to begin a discussion. His eyes droop, his lips part, and he’s off. So I decided he needed his rest and I needed some fresh air...

daily trip...Cancer #10

So it’s about 20 miles to the hospital, approximately 30 minutes.
Five days a week. It seems each morning is a different trip.
Yesterday, music was the background distraction.
In the foreground was the truth to the task.
It’s hard to stay ‘here’, not to wander.
The thoughts that weigh heavy on my spirit are better left inside...
for the moment. At least easier. Today, it was silence, and rage at
the people in the rearview mirror going about their day
without a care. Maybe it was jealousy.
Whatever, it was uncomfortable.
So, I quietly laid my hand on his leg and cried, unnoticed.
For the inevitable is unavoidable and punishing to my core.