On hold...Cancer #8
I have never felt so powerless. I don’t really know what I’m doing from day to day. Besides the obvious turmoil, my life is on hold. Accepting the fact that my dad has cancer and that I’ll never see him grow old is hard enough but, adding to that misery are all kinds of thoughts of my suspended future. Things were just starting to get on track, school, baby plans, etc. My situation is completely up in the air; my previous life is completely up in the air. I’m all over the place emotionally. I’m so scared to loose my dad, yet I’m anxious to start a family, but that depends on proper funds and insurance, which depends on my job, which is on the back burner. Don’t misunderstand, I’m grateful for the time with my dad, but I’m also resentful for setting everything aside, and feeling guilty for that resentment.
I’m nervous for my future, and annoyed that some individuals assume that this is easy for me. Like all I do is relax and hang out with my dad.
I have absolutely no control over anything that’s happening in my life right now. Essentially, have no job, school is delayed, my baby making clock is ticking, and the career that I finally became comfortable with striving for is further away and seems unreachable from my vantage point. Selfish? Maybe so, but I can’t help my feelings. I am also angry with how irresponsible my family has been in regard to their future. I know it’s neither here or there right now but, maybe someone will read this and take it to heart…maybe I will listen and make changes in my life to avoid some of the pitfalls I am destined for if I continue the way I am. Better, more responsible choices are where the answers are. If they would have taken better care of themselves, as young adults, I may have been able to split my time between my home life and theirs. They didn’t, and as a result we have no choice but to struggle, scrape and worry, about how things are going to get paid both in my home and theirs. Like so many people they live day to day, some have no alternative, pay check to pay check is the only way to get by, others make decisions that offer instant gratification and choose not to look to the future. When we get an extra few dollars we buy something “nice for ourselves, because we deserve it”. We live for the here and now, not expecting the future to come. We decide to deal with issues as they arise instead of plan for them. It’s a lame excuse for laziness and fear. We think that by acknowledging something might go wrong in our lives we are in some way inviting it. Thinking its better, or safer not think about it, often refusing to even discuss the possibility.
Shit happens, people don’t ask for it. Just because you avoid the idea doesn’t mean the shit won’t hit you square in your face. How you deal with it and how well prepared you are for the unexpected is completely up to you. Getting through something like this is tough enough, adding uncertainty to every aspect of your life is the only thing that is avoidable and completely your choice. I’m going to talk to someone about a plan to save, prepare for my future. I’m not wealthy, I’m not even middle class, if I had to guess I’d say lower middle class, but moving up. I don’t have much to spare, but a little each week, health insurance and some kind of a plan are better then nothing. For reasons I won’t get into, my dad isn’t eligible for social security, welfare, disability, or any other type of government assistance, so don’t depend on our government to take care of you when you can no longer care for yourself. Depend on no one but yourself.
I am struggling but, I am also very lucky to be able to be here for my dad. I don’t regret anything, this is where I’m suppose to be, this IS my life, but those facts don’t shut off my head at night, when I’m missing my husband, my education, and the baby I dream of having moving around in my belly. Its all on hold for the moment.
I’m nervous for my future, and annoyed that some individuals assume that this is easy for me. Like all I do is relax and hang out with my dad.
I have absolutely no control over anything that’s happening in my life right now. Essentially, have no job, school is delayed, my baby making clock is ticking, and the career that I finally became comfortable with striving for is further away and seems unreachable from my vantage point. Selfish? Maybe so, but I can’t help my feelings. I am also angry with how irresponsible my family has been in regard to their future. I know it’s neither here or there right now but, maybe someone will read this and take it to heart…maybe I will listen and make changes in my life to avoid some of the pitfalls I am destined for if I continue the way I am. Better, more responsible choices are where the answers are. If they would have taken better care of themselves, as young adults, I may have been able to split my time between my home life and theirs. They didn’t, and as a result we have no choice but to struggle, scrape and worry, about how things are going to get paid both in my home and theirs. Like so many people they live day to day, some have no alternative, pay check to pay check is the only way to get by, others make decisions that offer instant gratification and choose not to look to the future. When we get an extra few dollars we buy something “nice for ourselves, because we deserve it”. We live for the here and now, not expecting the future to come. We decide to deal with issues as they arise instead of plan for them. It’s a lame excuse for laziness and fear. We think that by acknowledging something might go wrong in our lives we are in some way inviting it. Thinking its better, or safer not think about it, often refusing to even discuss the possibility.
Shit happens, people don’t ask for it. Just because you avoid the idea doesn’t mean the shit won’t hit you square in your face. How you deal with it and how well prepared you are for the unexpected is completely up to you. Getting through something like this is tough enough, adding uncertainty to every aspect of your life is the only thing that is avoidable and completely your choice. I’m going to talk to someone about a plan to save, prepare for my future. I’m not wealthy, I’m not even middle class, if I had to guess I’d say lower middle class, but moving up. I don’t have much to spare, but a little each week, health insurance and some kind of a plan are better then nothing. For reasons I won’t get into, my dad isn’t eligible for social security, welfare, disability, or any other type of government assistance, so don’t depend on our government to take care of you when you can no longer care for yourself. Depend on no one but yourself.
I am struggling but, I am also very lucky to be able to be here for my dad. I don’t regret anything, this is where I’m suppose to be, this IS my life, but those facts don’t shut off my head at night, when I’m missing my husband, my education, and the baby I dream of having moving around in my belly. Its all on hold for the moment.
posted by elanflux at 3:16 PM
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