The now...Cancer saga #3

O-kay so heres whats going on now. We found out a few days ago that the tumor is malignant. It was strange to hear, but oddly enough, I didn't feel as devastated as I thought I would. I think it was because the doctor didn't use the word. He launched right into the treatment needed as a result of the biopsy. He didn't drop a bomb and then pause dramatically like in the movies. I thought that was how these things went. I don't feel like this is real anyway. When he was finished giving his spheel, I had to ask in plain english. "Is this bad or can it be cured?" He said don't say "cure." He said that if it went untreated he'd have about 30 days. With treatment it depends completly on the person and how they react to it. So this is all up in the air. He said treatment is weighed on how he reacts in comparison to how much it helps. If the tumor isn't shrinking and he's sick, they will decide if it's worth continuing. Wow. I feel pretty detached from myself. My dad looks great, aside from the tubes and sexy hospital gown. His spirits are good, he's grumpy at night, silly during the day and trying to take care of business when he has a minute. The magnitude of this situation is hard to absorb. It comes in waves, though. For the most part this is all a mistake, Gods, or the doctors, I don't know which. But wrong non the less. I keep thinking, tomarrow it'll be gone. Other times, usually when I'm alone and not occupied, my insides hurt, my face gets hot and I feel dizzy. I can't control the thoughts that flood in. Life without him? This world without him in it? Unmanageable, unbearable and unreal. As for now, dealing with family that decide to pop back into our lives and everyone being on top of each other is more to take then the situation we're all here for. Or maybe that's what my mind is focusing on, to spare me from a truth that would rip my whole existence apart.