Tuesday, September 19, 2006

catch up...Cancer #6

So I haven’t been able to get on-line for awhile. I have been writing, it’s my sainity right now. This is from (aprox) Sept 2nd.




Dad’s been in the hospital for twelve days, now. It’s been pretty scary in many ways. Physically, I feel run down, yet oddly over stimulated. Emotionally I feel numb. The first week my emotions were running rampant, up down, up down. Now I feel ‘under’ emotional. It’s like the shock has worn into acceptance… except that I have absolutely no fear of him dying.( It felt a little creepy writing that just now) My heart isn’t sinking anymore. There is no alternative for him but to come home and resume life as usual. My mind refuses to even acknowledge there are other avenues for this thing to take. When someone throws out a ‘what if’ I shrug it off and change the subject, I can’t even talk seriously about it. I’m still just kinda floating, in a maze like dream but, it’s not as dark. I don’t know what to do with myself a lot of the time. He needs more rest now, as a result of the treatments, so we’ve been staying shorter and spreading our ‘shifts’ out more. I’ve really been enjoying my time with him, but I don’t feel it’s the beginning of the end. He has been talking about making some changes in his life. Living more then working, making time for the people he cares for. He also says some things that make me sad. He says this experience is showing him who people really are. When I asked him to explain, all he would say is that if it were (Deleted) in the hospital, he would never leave her side. I defended her by saying it wouldn’t be healthy for either one of them but, he said it’s just how it would be. He also said that before all of this began, he was pretty tired of his life. To the point that all he wanted to do was go to sleep. That’s all he looked forward to. He said, “I was just tired and feeling sorry for myself. Forever playing catch up with bills, and work, then coming home to a woman who acted like she didn’t like me half the time, was pretty depressing.” I really didn’t know what to say to that. I feel bad for them both, actually. Anyway that’s all I’ll say on that subject…for now. O-kay I have to say, I know she loves my dad. I can see it. I think he loves her more, but she does love him dearly. I just think she doesn’t know how to show warmth, she’s somewhat distant. It’s strange; she’ll be the first one to make you take vitamins so you don’t get sick but, if you get sick she probably won’t cover you up or tuck you in. Does that make any sense? She’d be miserable without him but I don’t think she knows it. I just hate to hear the sadness in his voice. He is truly a good, honest, loving person who deserves someone who makes him feel special, wanted, appreciated and who and enjoys him. I don’t think she does that enough. I think she is used to, and comfortable, with him. I don’t think she cherishes what she has. To be fair, he is my dad and I’m partial to him so I’m sure the blinders are in full force. All right enough about that. Here’s the reason I started writing this in the first place. Yesterday he was able to lie down! That is progress!! They were able to do the mold of his body which allows them to target the tumor more precisely. That means the tumor is shrinking and treatments have been working! Beautiful! He’s getting stronger, taking walks with me when I go up to see him. He’s a little wobbly but, not winded. Before just sitting up would take it out of him. They are still not sure when he’ll get to come home though. I was under the impression we were waiting to do these two tests but his doctor said it’s all really in how he’s doing as a whole. He’s improving but the still want to keep a close eye on him. He has his next chemo set for next week, Wednesday I think, so he’ll be there at least till then. I feel better knowing he's in good hands anyway. We'll see...

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